Saving Me
by gir29
Summary: Edward left Bella to protect her, but the complete opposite has happened. Will Bella ever forgive him? Can Edward ever gain her love back?
1. Chapter 1

**Saving Me**

_I do not own twilight or the characters. (sob)_

_Ch.1 _

When Edward left me eight months ago, the pain was unbearable. Although it was emotional pain I felt, I could have sworn that my heart had literally been clawed out of my chest. I was numb to all of my emotions because of the pain. I just couldn't feel anything. Happiness, joy, sadness, jealousy, hatred…nothing. I was utterly void of everything. Even the pain in my heart seemed to make my heart disappear altogether. Nothing could hurt me anymore. At least that's what I thought, but three weeks ago Victoria finally caught me. Unfortunately, she caught my parents too.

Charlie was really worried about me. He was finally seeing through my fake smiles so he called Renee and she came to Forks so they could 'reason' with me about moving back with her and, better yet, to go see a shrink. Yeah, that'll help. We argued all night and I didn't speak to either of them when I left for school the next morning.

I was expecting another lecture when I came home but instead something knocked me out cold the second I closed the door. When I came too, Charlie, Renee, and I were tied up in the master bedroom. My parents looked terrified and I couldn't blame them. As I looked around the room, I saw Victoria grinning like the Cheshire cat, no doubt anticipating what she knew was about to come.

That was three weeks ago. Ever since, I've been beaten in front of my parents. They watched, horror stricken, and just two days ago Victoria was ready to kill. My latest mistake was thinking that she was ready to kill me, instead she decided to torture me more than just physically. She wanted to break me, to see me crumble, so she slaughtered my parents' right in front of me.

I can still hear their screams. I remember I cried, because our last conversation was nothing but us yelling at each other, and I remember how I prayed for it to stop, for their screams to stop, and finally, they did. My parents were silent, dead. This is what I prayed for. I'm alone now, and the pain is back in my heart, my body, and my soul. I can't move and it hurts to breathe. I'm cold and alone. God help me…

So let me know what you think, please review. – gir29


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- enjoy

I thought that nothing could ever hurt me before, but the pain throughout my body doesn't lie. Hopefully it'll all be over soon. Victoria has to be satisfied enough by now.

"Hey! Get up!" _Speak of the devil._

"I said GET UP!!!" Victoria was incredibly agitated by now so in order to make me aware of her temper she kicked me in the stomach… hard.

"Do you think you've had enough? You deserve so much more than this before you even _begin _to understand the pain I went through, because of you and your precious Edward. Speaking of which, I thought he would've been here to rescue you a long time ago. So… where is he?" Her eyes and her voice were filled with so much hatred it was almost tangible.

"I've... told you… he won't …come." My words came out as a whisper but I knew she could hear me. As I tried to focus on speaking clearly (_Which, because of my continuous beatings, was becoming very hard by the way)_ I didn't miss the disappointed look on her face as I told her my _beloved_ wasn't coming.

"Why so disappointed…Victoria? I thought…you were having…fun." If she was going to kill me, I might as well have my fun too. Victoria must have not liked my sarcasm too much because as soon as the words left my mouth, her foot came in contact with my stomach again._ Oh well, It was worth a shot._

"Edward is the one who took my mate away from ME!! It seems only fair that I repay the courtesy." As much as I wanted to burst her bubble, it hurt too much knowing that he wasn't coming back. Why would he? Like he said, I was just some distraction. I'm sure he has better ways to spend his time than worrying over some stupid, weak human. He didn't love me, but I did love him. If I love him now, I don't know any more. Even so, just the thought of him not loving me makes my heart throb physically.

"You won't... get what you want. If that's your plan for revenge, then you're out of luck. _He_…doesn't love me any more." My reply sounded hollow, even to me, but if I was going down, I'd at least make sure she didn't get what she wanted, first.

Victoria leaned in close so that she was looking me in the eyes, and I could've sworn I saw the fiery pits of hell in those crimson pools of hers.

"Well then, all of that trouble was over _you_ to begin with. If I can't have Edward, I can still have the next best thing." With that, she picked me up and threw me through the door and into the hallway. I got up and tried to pull my self down the stairs but as soon as I stood, my legs folded beneath me and a sharp pain shot up through my legs and rose until every inch of my body was screaming. I started to fall to the floor but before I made contact with the carpet Victoria grabbed me by my shirt and tossed me down the stairs like a rag doll. I heard a sickening snap as I fell against the TV in the living room, and for a minute, I couldn't hear anything. I could see Victoria screaming at me and I could taste the blood in my mouth but it was like somebody pressed mute.

I couldn't feel my body or the ground, just numbness. And then, all too soon, the sound and the pain came rushing back at full force and knocked the breath out of me. I tried to scream but realized I couldn't. Victoria had her hands around my neck. She was suffocating me, and for some reason I didn't fight back. What reason would I have to fight her? I had nothing. No family, friends, my parents were dead, the Cullens were gone, Jacob hated me, I had nothing to live for. As I thought of them, I could see their faces clearly. I could see Edwards pained face when he found me at the studio, the fear in Alice's eyes as she watched Carlisle stitch me up, and my parents. Charlie and Renee's screams and bloodied bodies filled my mind. They didn't deserve what they got. They didn't deserve to die in this hell, by _her_ hands.

As soon as the images came, they left replaced only by a powerful and determined hatred for the being with her filthy hands around my neck. She had done nothing but make the last moments on this earth a living hell for my parents and me. It seemed only fair that I repay the courtesy. Quickly, I snatched a piece of broken metal from the TV off of the floor and thrust it forward without thinking.

Again, Victoria's eyes met mine but this time, instead of being filled with malice, they were filled with shock and slowly, the hellfire concealed inside her crimson pools began to extinguish. I finally became aware of what I had done and the only thing left to do now was finish what I started. I pushed the metal in further, as far as it would go until there was nothing left to cut. I had beheaded a vampire. The only thing left to do now was to burn the remains. The pain was excruciating now and all I did was move two feet to the coffee table. Darkness had already started to cloud my vision and I knew that I would be passing out soon. Good. Maybe that was for the best, maybe I wouldn't feel it.

I grabbed a box pf matches off the table, lit a few and threw them around the room to spread the fire faster. I don't know how long I had laid there but soon the room was engulfed by flames and sleep began to overcome me. Perhaps, I would see my parents again in heaven and I could apologize for the things I said. However, for a minute, I didn't know if I would ever be allowed in heaven, but all doubt of that vanished from my mind as I heard an angel calling out to me…_Saving Me._

…lla….bella…….BELLA!!!!

Well, let me know what you think. I don't own twilight or the characters but, hey, I can dream can't I? Review if you want to hear more, thanks to all who have reviewed, and don't hold back on the constructive criticism. –gir29


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Edwards POV

I've had it. I can't stand this anymore; it feels like I haven't seen her for years. But I can't go back. I did this for her, to keep her safe. She doesn't deserve me she deserves much, much better. She doesn't deserve a monster like me.

"Edward? Edward?! Come out of there, you have to go hunting sometime, don't you." Emmet groaned, exasperated in the hallway.

"I went hunting yesterday Emmet." Once again, my voice held no emotion. I haven't done it on purpose. It's just that ever since I left Bella, I suppose I really did leave my heart there with her. I never realized how many things remind me of her. My music, my Volvo, even Alice's shopping trips. Every time she mentions it I keep expecting Bella to protest and ask me to save her with those big puppy eyes of hers.

Unfortunately, the only sound that follows Alice and her shopping trips is silence; Even Alice has lost most of her shopping spree enthusiasm which, knowing Alice, is a really bad thing. I know she is depressed, I know my entire family is but this was the only thing I could do to keep her safe and that costs me an eternity of pain just to know that my angel is safe then I will be more than willing to pay the price.

_Knock…knock…knock…_

"Come in Alice."

I know Alice has been upset almost as much as me. She lost her sister and ever since she has _lost her spark._ Peppy Alice hasn't been so peppy lately.

"Edward you have to stop this. You've barely spoken since we left Forks. If you worry so much then go check on her. Hey! We'll come with you.-"

"NO! No, Alice. I can't do that." I wanted to though, God knows I did. Soooooo bad.

"Yes you can. Edward you know you're going back." Alice replied quickly.

"Did you see that? Did you see me going back?" It was probably stupid to hope but maybe Alice had seen a decision that I hadn't made yet to save me the trouble.

"No… but I know you Edward. I know you can't stay away from her for long. You'll go back eventually." I knew she was right. I wanted to keep her safe but I was too weak. The monster in me would win out. The only person who could ever love me like she did and I can't even protect her from myself.

Alice must have noticed my discomfort. "I know you'll go back Edward. You don't need to make yourself suffer so much, or us." With that Alice stood and left me alone to stew in my thoughts. The bad thing was I knew she was right. There was no way I could stay away from her for too long, but I had to try.

"EDWARD!!!!"

I hope you really enjoyed this and please review okay. Thanks-gir29.


	4. Chapter 4

**Saving me ch. 4**

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**Okay, sorry it took me so long to update but as any high school student will tell ya, it's a pain. So please be patient, bear with me, and if you have any ideas or constructive criticism they're always welcome. Remember to review!**

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**Edwards POV**

"When will this happen Alice?" Alice's vision replayed itself over and over again in my mind as we raced to find Bella. Her vision had shown Bella laying on her living room floor, bloodied and broken. The television was smashed beside her and the entire room was covered in broken glass and demolished furniture. To make things worse, Victoria was pinning her down, suffocating her…but the thing that shocked me was that…Bella…wasn't fighting back. She was just laying there staring at Victoria with dead eyes. There was no fear plaguing her features at all and even though she was conscious, the light and the life in her face and smile that use to illuminate the darkest part of my heart and soul...was now gone. She looked as though she were hollow.

"About ten minutes ago." Alice's voice was trembling as she replied. She sounded like she would be bawling by now if she could cry.

As soon as the vision was over my family and I rushed out of our house to try to prevent this nightmare but it seemed we weren't going to get there soon enough.

"Why is this happening!? I left to keep her safe, this wasn't supposed to happen!" I had been asking myself this question since I saw the vision.

"this is not your fault Edward."

"Of course this is my fault, how can you say this isn't my fault!? I left her I should have known better. Bella's a danger magnet. This is all my fault Alice. God, I'll never forgive myself for this." _Bella please be okay._


	5. Chapter 5

**I hope you like this, and don't kill me for the late update. I do not own anything belonging to Stephenie Meyer (sob).**

**Saving Me chapter 5**

It was dark…I was falling through the dark water again and its pressure was suffocating. I remembered this feeling. This was how I felt in the ballet studio during that nightmare with James. _'So…am I…dead? Finally?' _I couldn't feel any pain anymore, I couldn't feel anything. I thought heard someone calling me before I blacked out.

_"Bella! Bella where are you!?" _It was his voice. The hallucinations must have come back again.

The black water started to move suddenly, like an under water current . I couldn't really feel my body but I could sense my surroundings swirling around me, and then it stopped. The pressure lifted slowly and I started to feel aware of my body. I still wasn't sure if I was dead or not but as I tried to breathe, to see if it would make a difference, I found it was incredibly hard. Then all at once I could feel again. I could feel my limbs, my torso, and my fingers as they brushed against the soft surface beneath me. I was alive. _'Damn!' _

I tried to breathe again but it was still very hard, like my lungs were having a hard time responding to what my brain was telling them to do. I finally tried to open my eyes.

They didn't want to respond either. I felt so exhausted…

I don't know how long I lay there but I finally managed to open my eyes. Everything was really blurry at first but as my vision cleared I noticed I wasn't the only one in the room. Carlisle was at the foot of my bed talking in a hushed quick voice to Edward, who was leaning against the wall to the left of my bed. He was looking at the floor in a way that told me he might've been in the room but he was still far away somewhere, deep in thought. There were many emotions playing across his features…devastation, worry, anger, and angst. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was suffering, but he didn't know the meaning of the word.

What ever daze he was in, he snapped out of it quickly and turned his gaze to me.

"Bella!" He rushes over to my side and took my hand in his just as Carlisle went into full doctor mode and took my other wrist, checking my pulse.

Edward leaned down and kissed me everywhere he could, spilling out his apologies in between kisses. He kissed just about every inch of my face. My cheeks, my brow, my eyelids, my jaw, my chin, I remained still as he continued to find another inch of my face he hadn't kissed yet, but as he got closer to my lips it took all the strength I had just to turn my head away from him. He immediately ceased his actions and looked at me with a hurt, pleading look. My face held no emotion.

"I'm sorry…I'm so, so sorry Bella. This is all my fault, I know I hurt you." He gently grabbed my chin and turned my face so that I was looking at him again. As soon as our eyes met I gave him the coldest glare I could. –"Edward, maybe now is not the time." I looked over towards the door to see Jasper leaning against its frame staring at me curiously.

"Jasper's right Edward, she still needs to rest a while longer." Carlisle spoke to Edward in a calm collected voice as always, even in his doctor mode. Edward glanced at the floor again looking defeated before shifting his gaze back to me. I refused to look at him but I felt him kiss my hand tenderly before walking out of the room.

Carlisle was still at my other side digging through his black bag of medical equipment syringe. "I'm going to give you something to help you sleep Bella." As he spoke he took my arm pushed the needle in. I saw it but I didn't feel it. When he was finished he packed up his things, pulled the covers up around me and kissed my cheek. The type of kiss a father would give his children, the kind of kiss Charlie had given to me. Carlisle was like Charlie in a way, he spoke his emotions a little more than Charlie did, but they both let their actions to speak louder than their words at times.

I tried not to think of Charlie or the meaning behind Carlisle's simple action. He was sorry, just like Edward, just like me but I didn't feel relief or sadness or forgiveness. I couldn't just forgive them. What if they left again? What if I was left alone again? I couldn't handle it I wished they would've just left me, let me die but they didn't.

The drugs Carlisle had given me started to take effect and I could feel the darkness washing over me again and I didn't fight it. I was too tired and I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I faced them all again, but I was sure I would need all the strength I could get.


	6. Chapter 6

**Saving Me chapter 6**

I don't know how long I slept, but I woke up feeling stiff, like I hadn't moved in days and it was probably true. I had hoped that this was not what fate had in store for me and that my subconscious just made me imagine Carlisle and Edward before. Unfortunately, for me, fate seems to have a cruel sense of humor.

When I woke up I found myself in the same room I had seen earlier. The walls and the carpet where white and the bed I was laying in had dark red silk sheets and comforter. There were roses carved along the wooden head board that were identical to the roses that were carved on the window to my right, which opened up facing the back yard. The crimson curtains were open and sunlight was pouring into the room across the floor and onto the bed so that I could clearly see the extra set of clothes that were laying there. With nothing to help me put it off, I got dressed, with minor complications, and headed downstairs.

My legs were still stiff so I gripped tightly on the railing. The last thing I needed was to go tumbling head first down the stairs. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard more voices coming from what looked like the kitchen so I made my way over surprised that no one had heard me yet. I slowly peeked inside and saw Edward sitting at a table with his head in his hands. Carlisle was talking quietly and every now and then either Emmet or Alice with interject with their own comments. What they were talking about I wasn't sure, I really wasn't paying attention. All of a sudden Alice straightened up and looked at me. Before I even had time to run she bolted up and tackled me into one of the sofas. "Bella!!! OH MY GOD YOU'RE AWAKE, I MISSED YOU SO, SO, SO MUCH. WE WERE ALL SO WORRIED THAT YOU WOULDN'T WAKE UP AND NOW YOU'VE WOKEN UP AND LOOK I HAVE MY LITTLE SISTER BACK!!!!!!"

If I thought Victoria ever had a chance of suffocating me, I was terribly mistaken. She was nothing compared to Alice when she's happy. It made me think of one those toys who's eyes popped out if you squeezed them too hard. Not a pretty thought.

"Alice, Alice let her breathe, and take it easy. She hasn't healed completely yet." With that Alice looked back at Carlisle, who had spoken, and released me quickly.

"OH GOD I'M SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY? I RALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO-"

"It's okay." I managed to croak out weakly. My voice was so hoarse I barely recognized it as my own. Alice got off of me and I straightened myself up so I was sitting on the couch. All of the other Cullens had already filed into the living room and were standing around me, looking like they didn't really know what to do. They looked like they wanted to hug me but weren't sure if that was okay. To be honest…I wasn't sure if that was okay either.

Carlisle was the one to break the silence. "Bella, are you alright?" For the first time I took in my appearance. I had bandages on my right wrist and my left arm, my face was bruised and I could feel the bandages under my shirt that covered my chest and most of my back. I couldn't feel any pain but by the way my legs refused to obey me properly I could tell that they weren't much better. After this I did the only thing that came to mind. I looked back at Carlisle and arched an eyebrow as if to ask him if he were serious. He must have noticed the meaning of my actions because he smiled at me sheepishly and a nervous chuckle escaped his lips.

Esme was the next to take action. She glided over to where I sat and embraced me gently. I still wasn't sure what to do, if I should hug her back or not. She noticed my unease and slowly released me. "Bella…Bella I'm so sorry. We know it might take a while for you to forgive us, and we understand that. It's alright." No, no it wasn't alright. They had no idea what I went through, what my parents went through. Her words, however gentle they were, they stung but I just couldn't bring myself to glare at her. So I glared at the floor instead.

"Bella…" Edward's voice was cautious as he spoke," I'm so, so sorry love, I didn't mean for this to happen. I thought if I left…that you would be safe." I scoffed at his remark before I could even help myself; I was surprised I hadn't just started laughing out loud. Edward was kneeling in front of me now trying to look at my face because I was still looking at the floor. He tried to bring my chin up to face him but I jerked my head away from his touch. I was still pretty tired but a sudden rage brought the energy I needed. "Bella, this was really not our intentions. We had no idea that…" For the first time, it was Carlisle's turn to be at a loss of words.

I stood quietly, ignoring my protesting legs and headed for the stairs, but before I could take one step something pulled me back. "Bella, wait." I didn't care that Edward was a vampire or that his skin was like marble, I just let my rage engulf me. Without thinking, I balled up my fist and used the force that he pulled me back with to guide me and add power to my actions. My fist connected with his face hard right underneath his left eye. He stumbled back; shocked at what I'd done and I didn't even give him the opportunity to see my face as I walked away. As I headed up the stairs, I was so proud of myself that I didn't really notice that I couldn't move my hand at all.

I hope you liked this chapter, more coming soon. Don't forget to review-gir29


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Note: **Hey guys I know some of you have been reading my story and have seen that I had a problem with chapter 4, so let me explain. Over the weekend I was trying to update two stories at a time and every time I tried to check my stories it wouldn't let me on to check and make sure I had everything in the right place. I'm sorry about the confusion so just give me some time okay. I'll have it fixed by this afternoon I promise.

**-gir29**


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay people, I fixed chapter four so if you haven't already you might want to go back and read it. I am so very sorry about that, but I guess it was just one of those days. We all have them so I'm sure you can understand. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Read and enjoy.**

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"Bella…I know that this is a touchy subject, but I need you to tell me what happened after we left between you and Victoria." Carlisle was still talking to me like a child. I had been here a total of six weeks, four of which I spent asleep after Victoria nearly beat me to death, and ever since Edward and I got acquainted everyone's been talking to me like was some time bomb. I am mad at them and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive them for what they've done but, I don't think I could ever hit Carlisle, or any of them. Except maybe Edward, but that's because he was the one who made everyone close to me leave. It was his decision. He said he wanted to keep me safe but how safe did he think I would be after what happened with James? Did he not even consider that his coven would be out for revenge? He's the mind reader for crying out loud!

"Bella please, tell us what happened." Carlisle and jasper were sitting at the kitchen table across from me and Edward was standing in the doorway. I guess he still hasn't taken the hint.

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Where ever you think would be best."

Edward had told me that Carlisle was always the peace keeper. Always calm and collected, and I had never seen otherwise, until now. His features were so clouded by regret and guilt that Jasper was having a very difficult time, by the looks of it, keeping all of them calm including himself, and the last time I had felt anything at all was when I hit Edward. The fury was strong for that brief period of time, but afterwards it faded quickly.

"I don't remember much. Charlie wasn't happy and he gave me some space for a while. I woke up, went to school, came home, did my homework, made dinner and went to bed. Just like any _normal human_ would do."

I emphasized the words because that was what Edward had asked of me, to have a normal human life. At these words I saw him wince. I hadn't even gotten to the good parts yet and his eyes were already darker.

"I was making dinner one night and Charlie said he was sending me back to live with my mother. We argued…" That was right. The last time Charlie and I had spoken, I had yelled and stormed out. I had never said I was sorry.

"Bella?" Jasper was staring at me with a worried expression. I could tell he was trying to relax me but it wasn't working.

"Sorry." My voice was barely audible. I should have felt sad, I should have been crying, but the tears wouldn't come. I wanted to be sad and angry with myself for my actions but as much as I wanted it, I just felt like a shell.

"We didn't talk that morning and when I came home I saw my mom's coat and bags in the living room. Then something must have knocked me out."

Esme and Alice came into the living room then, followed by Rosalie. Even though they were in the other room I knew that they were still listening in on our conversation.

"When I came to, we were in Charlie's room. She murdered them in front of me. She said that she would avenge James. A mate for a mate." As I said the last sentence, I couldn't help but grin a little.

"What is it? What are you thinking?" Carlisle still managed to keep his voice calm but his hands were balled up into fists as were Jaspers, and Edward looked like he was about to break something any minute.

"I was just thinking about the talk we had before she went psycho. She was pretty set on her revenge. Her mate was taken from her, so …she thought it would be fit to take his killer's mate, so they could suffer like she did, But… when I told her that you guys had left and that all of her hard work was pointless…she didn't like that very much."

This really got Edward's attention. "You provoked her?"

"I did not provoke her. She was going to kill me anyway; I just saw no point in giving her that satisfaction. Besides I didn't lie, that was the point; she knew it was the truth. That's why it hurt her so much."

After their interrogation about what happened in my personal hell I went back upstairs to my room. It was ridiculous how tired I was after doing so little. I felt like I hadn't slept in weeks even though that's actually what I spent half my days doing. I just flopped down on the bed with my back to the door and lay there letting my mind wander.

I had yelled at Charlie the last time we spoke. He was just worried about me because I had practically become a walking corpse. I didn't talk, I barely slept or ate and I had gotten really pale. I knew it had hurt him to suggest that I move away when he wanted me there. He was just trying to help. Now they were both dead because of me and I didn't even get a chance to tell him how sorry I was, I couldn't even go to the funerals.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as I felt a new weight on the bed.

"You don't know when to quite do you?"

"…How's your hand?"

After I had punched Edward, I couldn't move my hand at all. It didn't hurt so I wasn't worried but Carlisle saw it the next morning, swollen and purple. He said I had fractured it which was surprising because with as much force as I put into it, my hand should have been crushed. What was even more surprising was that not only did Edward actually feel it, but it hurt.

"You didn't come here to ask me about my hand. What do you want?" He reached over hesitantly and pulled a few stray pieces of hair out of my face and brushed my fractured hand lightly with his fingertips. When I didn't make any move to accept or reject the gesture he continued.

"Please, please don't be angry with them. They didn't want to go. The only reason they did was because I said it would be safer for you. They love you, they didn't want to put you in danger especially Jasper. After your party…he still hasn't been able to forgive himself. He feels terrible. Please don't blame them, this was my fault not theirs.

I will take the blame for it all. You can hate me all you want, but even so, I'll do everything in my power, for the rest of eternity to make up for what I've done."

If he could've cried, I think he would have been bawling by now. His voices kept breaking in places were it was hard for him, especially at the part about me hating him. I knew that the thought alone caused more pain than anything he had said so far and he sounded completely sincere. He knew that there was a great possibility that I would despise him for the rest of my life and that fact that he would understand that and say that and accept it said a lot about how sorry he really was.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know that, and I know that leaving was the biggest mistake of my existence. I just couldn't stand the thought of you being hurt like you had been with James or even at your party, especially if it were _me _who had caused you pain like that. But, I guess I've hurt you even more haven't I? Bella…I'm sorry. With all my heart and my soul, and every fiber of my being, I am so, so sorry."

His voice, weak and quiet, trembled as he spoke. His hands, which were now cradling my wounded fist with such a delicate and gentle touch, were shaking slightly as he tried to control his grief. We sat in silence for a while. He was awaiting my response to his apologies and I honestly didn't know what to say. I believed him when he said he was sorry and I knew that he was truly suffering greatly and through this apology, he was giving me the power to either shatter his non-beating heart and his spirit, or save him from the hell and the pain that he was feeling now.

"Do you hate me?" Four words and all I had to do was give a yes or no answer. It was so simple and yet my answer could do so much damage. I could heal him or condemn him. As he waited for me to answer I thought about all of the heartache, the pain, and the loss the he had caused me. I had no home, no family, no emotions, and no sense of physical sensation of pain; the pain that I deserved to suffer. He cost me all of that and possibly even my sanity, so I gave the only answer I could.

"…-"

'_**Have you ever loved someone so much you've given on for, not the expression, no, literally given on for, when they know they're your heart and you know you are their armor, and you would destroy anyone who would try to harm them, but what happens when karma turns right around and bites you, and everything you stand for turns on you despite you, what happens when you become the main source of their pain…' **_

**okay, that's chapter 8. I know you guys are probably mad but cliff hangers are soooo much fun. I'll update soon if…………….you review, review, review!!!**

**-gir29**


	9. Chapter 9

**Saving Me chapter 9**

"…No."

He seemed pleased with my answer because his hands stopped shaking and gently gripped my injured fist so as not to hurt me, but to show his gratitude. As he gripped my hand in both of his, he leaned down and affectionately, but still cautiously, kissed my cheek with so much love and gratefulness that it was almost tangible.

"Would you mind if I stayed. I'll behave, I promise."

"Do what you want."

I don't know why I said no, after all of the pain he had caused me, but it sounded like he really was suffering the way I had been. I could never make anyone go through what I had been through, I just couldn't, but I still didn't know if I could forgive him completely.

I was hardly aware that he was still there until I felt the blankets come over me. I looked over to see him crossing the room to sit at the window that wasn't far from the bed. He was still there when I fell asleep.

This sleep I drifted into was nothing like the previous dreamless sleep I had been succumbing to in the past, with nothing but the dark water and its tides soothing my subconscious. Actually, this sleep was not dark at all. Everything was glowing a bright orange and the light was dancing over every obstacle in its reach. It took a while for my eyes to adjust to the light, and then I finally realized it was fire. I was back in Forks and I was standing inside the blazing inferno of what used to be my home.

A spine chilling scream filled the air and made me jump. The scream had sounded so frantic and terrified and very familiar. I ran through the flames trying to find the source of the scream, unaware that the fire didn't cause me pain like it was supposed to. Finally, as I made my way down the hallway I heard the screaming again as I came to an open room. I looked inside and saw the last thing I had ever hoped to see. It was my mother who had been screaming and beside her, Charlie struggled on the ground as he tried to escape the flames, but it was no use. They were both still tied down the way Victoria had bound us so that we couldn't escape. I tried to go to them to help them escape but as soon as I took one step in there direction my mother screamed again.

"No! Don't you come near me…what have you done!! This is your fault, you did this! You brought that monster here! Now look at what's happened! You… you are no better than that… that thing! I knew you would be the end of us, I knew it. I wish I had never given birth to you, that you were never a part of me! I wish I'd killed you the moment you came out of my womb!!"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. All I could do was stand there and look at my weeping mother. The woman I had loved so much, and who had taken care of me. My best friend and she had just wished that I had never been born. Maybe that was for the best. I had never wanted to cause her pain but since I had done exactly that, perhaps she would have been better off.

"I'm sorry mom." I didn't know what else to say. I didn't even know if she could hear me anymore, she was just holding herself, rocking back and forth. Quietly I walked a little closer and sat down across from her. The distance between us was far enough that she couldn't see me and I felt it was way too far, but I didn't deserve to get any closer than this. So instead, I closed my eyes and I waited for the fire to consume me.

Instead of fire, the floor was removed from beneath me and I was falling hard and fast and all too soon I hit the ground below so hard that it woke me out of the nightmare I was in moments before. The impact had felt so real that I literally had the breath knocked out of me.

"BELLA! Bella?" Edward's frantic voice was right next to me but I couldn't get enough air in my lungs to respond.

"Carlisle! It's okay Bella, its okay." Edward quickly picked me up and sat me in his lap as he wrapped his arms tightly around me to try and stop me from shaking. I could hardly move in his embrace but I felt like I would crumble if he let go. For the moment all of my grudges were forgotten. Carlisle entered the room and came over to where we were. "What's wrong? Bella are you okay?"

I tried to answer him or at lest nod my head but I was shaking too much so I guess it wasn't very convincing. The dream I had was still very fresh in my mind and as I tried to get rid of the horrific images it became difficult to pay attention to anything else.

I hadn't even realized that Carlisle had left, but now he was back with his black medical bag again. He knelt down beside me and brushed a few strands of hair out of the way so he could see my face.

"Bella, I'm going to give you something to calm you down okay? It will help you sleep." I didn't really want to back to sleep tonight, or any other night for that matter but my body was too tired to argue back. "This is going to hurt Bella so I need you to try and keep still okay. Edward, I need you to hold her." I don't really think the last part was meant for me to hear but at this point pain was the last thing on my mind and I'm positive that it would be nothing remotely close to the pain my parents had suffered because of me…even in my dreams the they still suffered.

Edward gave a small growl but held me tighter like he was told. Carlisle took my arm in his hand again and stuck in the needle. As he did he looked at me with sorrowful expression as if to apologize but I didn't feel anything. I didn't even flinch as the needle pushed farther and farther into my skin. After he had taken the needle out Carlisle gave me a confused look and then directed his questioning gaze to Edward. He must have been thinking something to him but after a while he excused himself and said he would be right back.

"Bella? Bella, love, are you alright? It's okay Bells, its okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to you ever again. I promise. I won't let you out of my sight for a second if that's what it takes. It's going to be okay. Go back to sleep. I'll be right here."

What ever it was Carlisle had given me, it was starting to work and I was having a hard time fighting off sleep.

Carlisle's POV

I excused myself from the room so that I could think for a minute about what I was going to say to Edward. I was worried about Bella when we first brought her here because she didn't react to the pain the way any other pers-…human would. Then again, Bella had experienced severe trauma after we left with all of this chaos. She had always been different in the facts that Edward couldn't read her mind but maybe that was it. Her mind was different. If she could subconsciously block her mind from a vampire's talents, then perhaps she uses a little more than the average ten percent of her brain. The mind controls the body and what and how it feels. However, this is still using only ten percent. If Bella could use more than that, then she may be protecting herself subconsciously. If she is scared then maybe her mind is reacting with her sense of touch to avoid pain, or maybe, god forbid, she just… doesn't care? I hope that's not the case although, all things considered it probably is. Especially if she could force herself into a catatonic state after we left.

Edward won't like this.

Edward's POV

_'Edward? Can I speak with you outside please?' _Carlisle waited outside of Bella's room as I reluctantly stood from the bed. Bella still hadn't said a word but as I moved to let her go she only held tighter. I knew she was still angry with me but I couldn't help but smile at the gesture. I didn't want to leave her. I had finally gotten her into my arms again.

"Bella its okay, I'll be right outside I just have to speak to Carlisle, okay? I'll be right back I promise."

I gently kissed her forehead and laid her down under the covers. It would probably be a long time until I had her in my arms again…willingly at least. Carlisle peeked over my shoulder at Bella as I came out of the room and quietly closed the door behind me.

"What's wrong?" I looked at Carlisle apprehensively. I could tell something was troubling him.

"Bella has been traumatized. With everything that has happened. I think she may be trying to… protect herself from further harm subconsciously. You were never able to read Bella's thoughts and I think that it's because she may use more of her brain power than the average human, and I think that she is using it to numb her sense of touch. She was also in a catatonic state of mind for a while so she may be using it to numb her emotions as well."

Ever since Bella became conscious when we first brought her here, Jasper was unable to sense her emotions. He said it was as if there was no one there. He described exactly what it was like for me not to be able to read her mind and he was also equally annoyed with the fact that his powers didn't work on her. I guess it made sense.

"You're hiding something." Carlisle managed to keep a straight face but his eyes looked troubled. There was something he was blocking from me and I could see his inner battle taking place about whether he wanted to tell me or not.

"Carlisle…please?"

"Either Bella is protecting herself from the pain… or…she just doesn't care anymore." The meaning behind his words would have stopped my heart dead in its tracks if it was still beating but even so I think I felt it shatter. A normal life…that's all I wanted for her and now I've made her give up on it completely. Bella…my angel…She gave me life, a reason for my pathetic existence, and I took hers from her.

_I really am a monster…_


	10. Chapter 10

**Saving Me chapter 10 **

After Edward left the room I used all the self control I had to keep myself from screaming. I didn't know what to do but I really didn't want to go back to sleep. It took what energy I had left just to keep awake but I was afraid it wouldn't be enough. Finally Edward entered the room again, but his tortured expression made me uneasy. He sat on the side of the bed and brushed his fingers against my injured hand.

"Go to sleep Bella." He sat there staring at my injuries for a while as I continued to fight off sleep and eventually pulled a chair up to the side of the bed. He laid his head down on the bed beside me and traced patterns along the palm of my hand. I don't know how many hours I had fought off sleep but the entire time I did so, he sat there in the dark with my hand in his.

After a while I couldn't stop it anymore. I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

The rays of the sun woke me up the next morning as they poured through my bedroom window. Even with my eyes closed I could still see the light and it annoyed me to know end when I woke up like this. I groaned and tried to cover my head with my blanket but it was too late. I was already awake.

"Good morning Bells." Edward was still in his chair trying to smile at my antics. Something was wrong though. I had never seen Edward like this before. His golden eyes that used to trap me in his essence were dark but not from a lack of feeding. I couldn't put my finger on it but something just wasn't right.

"You might want to prepare yourself. Alice has noticed your lack of clothes. She thinks it would be a good idea to go shopping." As soon as the words were out of his mouth I wanted to just jump out the window and make a break for it, injured or not. Edward noticed my expression and a small, lifeless chuckle escaped his lips.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!" Alice screamed from the bottom of the stairs. She must have seen what I wanted to do. Darn.

"Don't worry I'm going with you. I promise I won't let her do too much damage." Edward looked at me intently now with a sort of pleading expression but still didn't leave any room for me to argue. I was about to ask him what was wrong before something suddenly bounded onto the bed next to me.

"Please Bella?! Come on, you know you need more clothes. You know what? I'm not even going to ask because you ARE going whether you want to or not and don't even think about jumping out that window because I will just go out after you, bring you back, and make you try on even more stuff. Come on get ready. We are leaving in an hour!!"

When Alice finally left the room, still talking to herself about what else she needed to get, Edward sat down beside me on the bed and put his hands on either side of my face. "I'll make it up to you. I promise." With that, he got up and left me to get ready.

I hardly noticed anything Alice picked out for me at the mall. I was too preoccupied with thoughts of my own. I knew something was wrong with Edward but I wasn't sure if I should be worried about it. I mean after all he did to me, why should I care so much. '_…Maybe…you still love him…?' _

Those of you who are completely sane may not have this problem, but for those who aren't, do you know that little voice in the back of your head that always has to put in its own two cents about everything? My little pestering voice left me when Edward left and I went into my own walking comatose state…and now it was back. I hated this voice.

I couldn't feel anything at the moment so I highly doubted that love was what was causing me to worry. It was probably nothing but curiosity. '_You know better.' _ 'Oh shut up!' _'Why? You know it's true…' _ How could it be true!? He left me alone in the seventh circle of hell. He put me through more than any human, or immortal, could possibly deal with. I didn't owe him anything much less sympathy or concern.

The entire time we were in the store he tailed behind us growling at certain individuals who were probably thinking nasty thoughts. Every time I stole a glance at him I could see him staring at me. I felt like a criminal being supervised by the warden himself.

"Ooh, ooh, Bella! We have to go in here, come on!!" O f course Alice just couldn't go to the mall once without trying to drag me into Victoria's Secret.

"Not on your undead life." I replied with a malice tone as I thought about all the other times she tried to force me into lacey pieces that would have made super models blush. There was no way in hell she was getting me into that store. Alice gave me a small pout but I still held my ground. All of a sudden her eyes glazed over. I remembered this blank stare very well, this always happened when she had a vision. Quickly, Edward came over and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Alice? What is it?" Edward stared at her intently and I knew he was reading her thoughts. Alice finally snapped out of her trance with a loud gasp and looked at Edward fearfully. His eyes were completely black and a low menacing growl emanated from him.

"What? What is it?" I asked curiously. I was almost concerned about the answer but then again once you've experienced hell itself, there's not much that can scare you.

"The volturi are coming. We have to get home NOW." Edward grabbed my good hand, against my protests, and pulled me along as we left the mall. By the time Edward got the car door open, the spoils of Alice's shopping spree were no where to be seen so I assumed she must have put them away already. As soon as I was settled, Edward drove us home as quickly as inhumanly possible and Alice called Carlisle on her cell phone to let them know about her vision of their unwanted guests.

I remembered Edward telling me about the volturi when he told me about Carlisle's history. He said that they were like the vampire royal family or something; that they made the rules and punished vampires who went against them. He also said that they were not vegetarians which meant that they fed on humans. _'Great.' _

When we came into the house, our guests were already present. There were three of them, all in black cloaks, and all with blood red eyes just like Victoria. I didn't like them already. One of them was sitting on the sofa across from were Carlisle and Esme were seated. He had long black hair, and paper white skin which enhanced the depth of his frightening eyes. The one to his left was much bigger; almost Emmett's size with dark curly hair, and the one to his right was a young girl. She was a lot smaller than the other two but something told me she would be a much larger problem.

"Edward! It's so nice to see you again." The one on the couch stood and took a few steps in our direction.

"Aro, to what do we owe this pleasure?" From Edwards facial expression, _pleasure_, was the last thing he was actually considering this visit.

"And…who is this?" Aro walked a little closer as he looked me over, but kept a close enough distance away as to not push any boundaries. "Is she your little human? This little thing? Her scent is absolutely ravishing. Delightful!" Edward pulled me closer to him and growled softly. "Oh don't worry Edward; I will not kill your pet; that's your job." Edward winced at his words, remembering the events that unfolded within the past few weeks. "Isabella…isn't it?"

"Bella." I couldn't help but notice the amount of joy his face held. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Bella." He extended his hand toward me and I took it only to be polite. His grip was firm as he shook my hand but for a moment he held still and narrowed his eyes in confusion. After a minute or so he finally released my hand, "Interesting… This happens to you as well Edward?" Edward stared at me with the same bemused look before turning to Aro. "Yes."

"Like your friend Edward here, Bella, I too can read people's thoughts. However, I can read any thought anyone has ever had but unlike Edward, I can only do it by touch and not from a distance, although my powers don't seem to work on you either. But… I'm curious…. Jane, would you?"

"NO!!" Edward grabbed my arm and pulled me behind him so that he was blocking me from the little girl who had stepped up. She looked from Edward to me and smiled wickedly. Once her glance fell back on Edward, he fell. He started to scream but quickly stopped himself. He finally looked back at Jane with pitch black eyes and bared his teeth to her. Jane merely stood there laughed at the scene in front of her.

"Jane dear, please try to be civil."

"Yes, Aro. I was just playing."

"Now, If you wouldn't mind Jane, please try again." With that said all eyes were on me. The Cullens looked like they didn't know what to do; stare and do nothing or interfere and get killed. Not very good options. Edward looked at me fearfully knowing that if he tried anything he would be back on the floor before he had moved two feet and still unable to help, and Jane of course looked thrilled to death. I, on the other hand, looked like I didn't care and it was true. I didn't care at all. I deserved what I got and I wouldn't stop her if, at least, her powers worked on me anyways.

Jane looked at me with a smug grin and concentrated her gaze so that it never left me, but after a few minutes her grin disappeared and turned into an all over scowl.

"This is extremely interesting." Aro looked like he was in deep thought as he spoke and then his eyes brightened in pure suspense. "I can't wait to see what power she has as a vampire."

Carlisle took a step towards us. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, Carlisle…you are aware that no human is to know about our existence. Do you plan on killing the girl?"

"Of course not-"

"Then you'll change her."

"Bella has known of our existence for a while now and I feel the secret is safe with her."

"So you intend to keep her human."

"Yes."

"Perhaps I wasn't clear. Any human that knows we exist must not remain alive and to kill this…captivating girl would just be a waste, so I'll say it again. Either you change her or we will."

"…May we talk elsewhere?" Carlisle looked at Aro and then glanced briefly in my direction to show he didn't wish to continue this conversation in my presence.

"Of course."

Carlisle, Aro and the others made their way into the dinning room as Edward tightened his grip around me. "Bella, will you go upstairs please? It'll only be for a while I promise." Like I Cared. Without a word I turned away and started up the stairs when I was pulled out my thoughts by Jane's voice.

"You can't protect her you know. Aro wants her and he will get her, she won't belong to you much longer." I looked through the railing to see Jane grinning smugly at Edward _again_, and as silently as I could, I made my way back downstairs.

"I won't let Aro or you get your filthy hands on her. Do you understand? If you so much as try I will kill you."

"You hardly seem to be in any position to be making threats, Edward." Jane smiled back at Edward innocently (which was a really creepy sight), but then Jane's smile turned into a malicious smirk just as Edward screamed.

I watched again as he fell to the floor writhing in agony under Jane's cruel power and before I could help myself or even think about what I was doing, I was running to him. I dropped down beside him and pulled him to me. I was just as shocked with my actions as he seemed to be but nonetheless, I leaned down to rest my head against his and wrapped my arms around him securely. As I did so, he tried to stop his screams but the pain he was suffering was still evident.

And finally…for the first time in a long, long time, I could feel my emotions again. I felt anger and hatred for Jane and what she was doing, but those feelings were soon replaced by another as I held Edward's trembling frame closer to me. Love…the love I had felt and still had for him replaced all other thoughts and emotions I had, and I just let it flow through me. It's warmth spread out from my core and reached throughout every cell in my body, with every beat of my heart, and as I sat there holding him and letting this feeling overcome me, Edward's trembling and his whimpers started to cease.

After a minute or so he was just lying in my arms, quiet and still before finally leaning further into my embrace, as if to seek comfort there.

Once it was clear that he was no longer in pain, Jane screamed out.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!! What the hell are you!!!?"

"-Jane! What's going on?!" Aro and the rest of the Cullens came into the room and looked questioningly at Jane who was more than infuriated. Alice came over to Edward and me and helped us up.

"That…girl, that thing! She blocked my powers!"

"I know Jane, she blocked mine too."

"No! I was using them on him and she blocked it!! What the hell are you?!!" Again all eyes were on me, undivided attention…oh goody. Edward's arm tightened around me as he brought me closer to him, trying to protect me from god knows what.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I really didn't know WHAT she was talking about but I didn't know what else to say; might as well play it cool.

Apparently Jane didn't like that answer. She glared at me the way a child might glare at someone who was trying to get them into trouble, so…I glared back. She could hate me all she wanted, I didn't care. Then she looked at Edward again and tried to focus on him to use her torture, and again I felt the warmth creep back into place. I didn't let anything show on my face, nothing that would give anything away but I didn't know what was happening. It was just a feeling…wasn't it? Edward held me closer still and again Jane growled in defeat.

"I believe it's time for us to go. Jane, Felix, bid farewell to our hosts." Aro put a hand on Jane's shoulder and escorted her out, followed by the other big one named Felix. It was completely silent until they left, and then Carlisle turned to Edward and me.

"Edward are you alright?"

"I…I'm fine." The warmth started to recede and as it did my head started pounding. I felt like I had just woken up from a night full of parties and vodka (not that I have ever been in that situation……….).

"Bella? Are you okay? What was all that about?" I didn't have time to answer. As soon as I tried, my knees buckled and everything went black.

**Thank you for reading and don't forget to review please. I'll take any comments and tips (unless they are highly outrages or stupid in which case you should punish yourself immediately. ) –gir29**


	11. Chapter 11

**Saving Me chapter 11**

I tried to remember what happened as voices began to filter through my unconscious state. I recognized the first voice as Carlisle; of course he was always around when I passed out and unfortunately it seems that I had been doing that a lot. The second voice belonged to Edward. I listened to their voices for a while, not really understanding anything, and soon I remembered what had happened before I blacked-out. The Volturi had come, and that little brat Jane had been using her gift on Edward before I….I went to him._ What the hell is wrong with me?!! _ I still loved him. How could I still love him after what he's done to me?! He broke me, he left me alone, and he's the reason that everything I loved was gone. He doesn't love me. He told me that when he left. I wasn't good enough, and because I wasn't good enough he left and my family was ripped away from me by that demon Victoria. Why did I still love him? It was just going to hurt me more. I had already been hurt passed the point of physical pain and if I still loved him then I knew that pain was going to come back and I didn't know if I would be strong enough to survive it this time.

I was going to have to open my eyes sometime because they would know I was awake anyway. No time like the present. I slowly opened my eyes…and quickly closed them. The sun shining through the window was extremely bright and my headache flared.

"Bella, are you alright? How do you feel?" Carlisle asked; Always the doctor.

"Hung over…" My reply came out as a groan but I literally felt like my head was splitting open. Carlisle and Edward both laughed at my answer. "I don't see the humor in this." I stated simply. I think I was actually offended that they found my pain funny.

"Did I hit my head on something when I fell?"

"No, I caught you before you hit the ground." I could hear the smile in his voice and I didn't know it was because he was proud of himself, or he thought I had forgiven him.

"Bella, do you remember what happened?" Carlisle asked me with sincere curiosity.

"The Volturi came here. Um,…Aro...and Jane and another one. Felix I think. "

"Bella, what happened with Jane?"

"I'm guessing she was never loved enough as a human."

"Bella, I'm serious."

"So am I, I really don't anyone ever loved her enough as a child. Maybe that's why she has serious anger issues."

"I mean with her powers. She said you blocked them?"

"I don't know what she was talking about."

" Are you sure?" _Carlisle is being very persistent today. _

"Carlisle, if I find out that I'm a witch or any other supernatural being I will be sure to let you know. For now, however, you wouldn't happen to have any aspirin would you?"

As soon as I asked Edward pulled a bottle out of his back pocket." Alice said you would need it." I took the bottle from him without looking him in the face and muttered a small thanks.

"So what did Aro say?" I asked to anyone in particular. Edward looked away from me with a sad look on his face. It was clear he didn't want to answer my question, so Carlisle took the liberty of filling me in.

"Bella, you are aware that we have certain rules. We cannot expose our existence to humans for our own safety. That is why we don't stay out when the sun is shinning. Or, if Alice has a vision of an accident like a car crash… if we were in a car crash or anything like that around humans and we emerged unscathed, it would start some questions. Humans are not supposed to know about us. We have never had a problem with you knowing but it seems the Volturi don't make exceptions. I'm so very sorry Bella."

"So…what? Are they going to kill me?"

"NO!!!" Edward growled. Apparently he **really** didn't like this conversation.

"At least, not completely. They want you to become a vampire. Either we change you or they do and if they do, then they'll try to convince you to work for them depending on your gift."

Isn't it ironic how things turn out. The one thing he absolutely refused to do for me. Now he has no choice, but he's so angry about it. He really doesn't want me with him does he? Why I still love him is beyond me.

I was still curious about one thing though. "How did they find out about me?" Edward finally turned around to face me as he answered. "Do you remember Laurent? Well, he was still helping Victoria and once he found out that she was dead he went to the Volturi. I have to admit, I really am curious about this Bella. You said you killed her, right? _How_ did you kill Victoria?"

"She was on top of me and there was a broken piece of metal on floor next to me. I picked it up and shoved it through her throat. It beheaded her and I set the house on fire." Both of them looked at me like I had two heads or something. "What?"

Carlisle cleared his throat and sat down on the bed next to me.

"Bella, vampires cannot be killed by a human. They're just too strong. An average human can't possibly posses the physical strength to even hurt a vampire much less KILL one the way you did. It's impossible." How could it be impossible if I did it? I beheaded her. I know I did. "Bella, explain what happened and don't leave anything out."

"She threw me down the stairs and I fell on top of the television set. It smashed under me and she grabbed me by the throat. She had me pinned down and I started thinking about everything she put us through; what she did to my parents. I was so angry with her I didn't even know what I was doing. I just grabbed a piece of metal off of the floor and pushed it forward until it connected. When I felt it connect I kept pushing until there was nothing left to cut."

Everything was quiet for a while as we all thought about what I had just said and our present situation. Carlisle rubbed his chin with one hand as he thought. Aftr a minute or so he stood up and started heading out of the room.

"I'm going to see if I can find anything out about what's going on here, not that I'm not ecstatic that she's dead but…considering the circumstances, something's not right here. Good on you Bella, she deserved what she got,." With that Carlisle walked out of the room and towards his study. It was just Edward and I now and he was the first to break the silence.

"Carlisle hates violence, but once he saw how broken you were when we found you…I've never seen him so angry. He looked like he was actually upset that he didn't get to end her himself, but then again we all were." He took a step towards me but stopped and looked at me, asking for my permission. I moved from my position on the bed to make more room and he sat down beside me before starting again.

"Bella, I'm not sure what happened back there but I just wanted to say thank you. I really didn't deserve it and I know it must have been hard for you. Thank you Bella, I promise you I'll do everything in my power to make things right."

I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do, and I really didn't know how to feel. But I was really frustrated. I had no idea why I acted the way I did. I shouldn't still have any feelings for him once so ever and I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel sorry for him and I really didn't want to love him. It made me angry that the thought even crossed my mind and him being right next to me wasn't helping either.

"Edward, I need to be alone for a while." I glanced quickly at his face as I spoke. His expression fell and his eyes reflected his confusion and hurt clearly. _Still not helping…_I thought sarcastically. I looked away so I wouldn't have to see his eyes anymore. He didn't protest to my request, he just stood and glanced back at me once before leaving the room.

'I guess he thought he was forgiven.' _You're cruel. _ 'He shouldn't have jumped to conclusions.' _You ran to his side and protected from that little girl from hell! What do you expect?! _ 'I did not protect him, and I had no idea what I was doing!' _Liar. _

That is it, I really hated this little voice. I really had no idea what came over me, but it couldn't have been me who ticked off Jane, could it? I've never felt anything like I did then. The warmth was, for lack of a better word, divine. I have never been that calm before. It was absolute bliss and with everything that has happened, bliss was the last thing I ever expected to feel, as well as love for Edward. I went through pandemonium and lost all trace of my emotion for a long period of time, and the first thing I feel when they come back is love for the man who completely destroyed me.

Let's say that, hypothetically, I did still love him. He doesn't love me, he told me that himself. HE doesn't want me with him and he doesn't love me the way I love him. The only reason I can come up with as to why he's acting the way he is now is because he just feels guilty about what happened to me and my parents.

There is no telling how long I could be staying with the Cullens, and knowing that I love him and he doesn't feel the same way…it's just another heartache to add to my list. But…this is how it is. I did love Edward even though he broke me. I fell hard and I'm still falling. How was I to know that my love for him would be my downfall?

I could never stop loving him and even though he can't return that to me, I will do whatever I can to make sure I never see that pained look on his face again. However, I'm not sure how to do that. I love him but I can't just forgive him, although, I guess I can let him earn it back if that's what he wants. I won't stop him.

**JPOV **

Ever since Bella came back, her emotions have been blocked to me, but when Jane was having her fun I thought I felt her emotions again. It was only for a second but…I could have sworn it was love and …_something _else.

**Okay peeps, review, review, review!!! I'm sorry this chapter took me so long but hey, that's high school. Let me know what you think. –gir29**


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay, Here's chapter 12! Sorry to keep you waiting, hopefully none of you were about to bust with anticipation but I doubt you like this story that much. I f you do though, HERE'S A COOKIE!! Anyway I hope you like it.**

**Chapter 12 **

I'm not sure how long I sat there contemplating, but I finally came to a conclusion. I've realized that I still love him, but I can't allow myself to get close. Once he leaves again… it'll shatter me. But, it hurts being in the same house as him knowing that he'll never hold me or kiss me again.

Thinking of this, I closed my eyes and tried to will the numbness back so it wouldn't hurt so much. I envisioned the black water rising up from the ground and slowly letting it consume me and my emotions into the dark, cold abyss.

I could feel everything drain out of me until there was nothing left. Just as my entire being went numb, the door to my room opened. Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper stepped in and placed themselves around the room. Carlisle, who was the closest to me, stood by the window with a calm and sort of loving fatherly expression on his face. For a moment I wondered if he was actually okay with the fact that I would be one of them soon.

Edward was near the foot of the bed starring at the floor with no emotion. I looked his way, only for a brief moment, but he wouldn't even spare as much as a glance in my direction. I desperately wanted the black water to swallow me up for real so I wouldn't have to endure this anymore, but my emotions almost started to leak back into me.

I closed my eyes for a second and held my breath as I waited for them to recede. Once I was sure I had them under control, I opened my eyes again and looked at Jasper who was the farthest away from me. He was staring at me intently with a determined, and most of all confused expression. I wondered if he felt my emotions disappear. I didn't hold his gaze long because Carlisle called my attention.

"Bella, it seems you're going to be one of us soon. Alice looked ahead and saw the Volturi checking in on you sometime within the next two months. We should pick a date for your transformation."

I've never seen Carlisle look this happy before, so it must have been just an act. Carlisle is always very polite so I guess this would be no exception. Edward, however, didn't hide his disgust. He glared at the floor and balled up his fists to try and contain himself. Apparently it wasn't working because I saw Jasper wince slightly and glare at his brother.

"I guess we can do it when ever you think is best." My voice sounded hollow and small to me but I didn't care at this point.

"Well, it would probably be better to do it as soon as possible, if that's okay with you." That was a good idea. The sooner I got this over with, the sooner I could leave and then they wouldn't have to deal with me.

Once I was changed and got control of my thirst, maybe I could get a job and save some money for an apartment. Then maybe the pain wouldn't be _too _bad. The sooner, the better.

**EPOV**

As Carlisle, Jasper and I came into Bella's room I saw her sitting on her bed hugging her knees to her chest. She looked emotionless that it scared me. _What have I done to her, my Bella, my angel?_ It was as if she were dead already and, in some sense, she probably was.

I headed toward the bed to sit beside her but Jasper stopped me mid-step. He stood in the doorway shocked by something, but when he saw what my intentions were his thoughts entered my mind just as I was only afoot away from the bed. _'Wait Edward. I'm not sure if that's a good idea right now. Her emotions were suffocating on the way up here, but they've stopped all of a sudden. I can't feel anything from her.' _

What was going on? My leaving had been a wasted effort. Not only did it leave her vulnerable to Victoria, but my actions themselves had caused even more damage than what I was trying to protect her from. I had no right to be near her, if she even wanted me near her that is. With that thought in mind, the only thing I could do was stare at the floor in shame.

Carlisle's voice interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to my own personal nightmare. "Bella, it seems you're going to be one of us soon. Alice looked ahead and saw the Volturi checking in on you sometime within the next two months. We should pick a date for your transformation." That was all it took. I clenched my fists to my side so that I wouldn't lose it right there and start dry sobbing. I was so outraged with myself because I had let this happen. Now Bella would have to go through three days of pure agony just spend an eternity suffering with the pain I know that I caused her.

What really hurt was that I had always refused to change her because _I _didn't want to be the one to ever hurt her. But the truth was, not only did I hurt her, I completely destroyed her. Bella was my angel, she was my very soul. Ever since I met her, my non-beating heart was replaced by the soft fluttering of hers. She saved me from myself, my blindness and my arrogance. Now, I had broken everything of hers she had given me. Her soul was shattered, her happiness was now misery, and her heart was mangled all because of me.

I had forgotten Jasper was in the room and let my wretchedness devour me. As soon it did though, Jasper scolded me and I could practically feel the glare he was giving me burn holes in the back of my skull. _'Will you stop it?! This is not the time for that!' _

"I guess we can do it when ever you think is best." Bella's voice was lifeless. I could have sworn I was about to have a heart attack, vampire or not.

"Well, it would probably be better to do it as soon as possible, if that's okay with you." Carlisle and I looked at Bella, waiting for her reply. She sat there quietly for a moment and I wasn't sure if she had even heard him, but then she gave a small nod as her reply.

WHY!! Why was she agreeing to this, and why so soon? I was fuming but not at Bella. I was furious with myself. How could I have let this happen to the one thing that meant the world to me?! I couldn't take it any more. I burst out of the room and ran outside into the forest. I needed to hunt, badly, or at least beat some inanimate object to a pulp. Maybe it would even help if I tried to pretend it was me. For everything that I've done…I need someone to beat the life out of me (no pun intended).

**BPOV **

After Edward left Carlisle told me we could do it this weekend which was the day after tomorrow. I asked Carlisle if I could be alone for a while and I got out some clean clothes and started the shower. The bathroom I was in was thankfully connected to my room so I didn't have to leave it. I turned the shower to cold and just sat there as I tried not to bawl.

I wasn't afraid of the pain I would have to endure, in fact I welcomed it. I deserved it and no matter how strong it was, it would be nothing compared to what I was going through now.


	13. Chapter 13

**Saving Me chapter 13**

**EPOV**

I didn't get much hunting done. I didn't hunt at all actually. I was so angry I 'lost my appetite' I guess you could say. I settled for ripping trees out of the ground and clawing at them until there was nothing left but a pile of mulch.

There was just so much happening so quickly. When I got back home Carlisle told me that we would change Bella this weekend and Alice yelled at me for a good couple of hours about my temper. I desperately wanted to go talk to Bella but Alice had a pained look on her face as she told me that she was in the shower. I tried to read her thoughts but she blocked them from me.

The rest of the night I just sat in my room listening to my stereo and trying to come up with a way to make Bella feel better. I had no idea what to do because there was nothing that could make up for the hurt I caused her. The good thing about changing Bella, was that I would have eternity to make everything better. I would just have to wait until this weekend. _Joy._

The weekend of Bella's transformation came at a sluggish pace, but it came. My Bella lay perfectly still as Carlisle explained the procedure to her yet again. She would not meet my gaze or Carlisle's, she just nodded her head as he paused to show that she was listening. She kept her face blank but I could see the sadness in her eyes. Why would she be sad? She had always begged me to change her, despite my warnings. She had wanted this so desperately but now that she was getting what she wanted, she was almost distraught.

I had never wanted to change Bella for fear of condemning her. Just because she had enough mercy to love a demon like me shouldn't mean that she had to be damned as well. An angel-_My _angel-did not belong in hell, nor did she deserve the pain the change would inflict on her; that I would inflict on her. I couldn't bear to be the one to cause her so much agony but now she was going to be changed no matter what. I couldn't just talk her out of it and I definitely couldn't talk the Volturi out of it. Her only choices were to be turned or to suffer greatly at the hands of the Volturi. No doubt they would eventually change her, but they would also have their fun with her-Jane especially. She had been agitated from the start when her powers wouldn't work on Bella, but when she protected me from Jane's mental onslaught (if it really was Bella's doing) Jane had been outraged. She would surely find some way to hurt Bella if she got the chance and I couldn't let that happen.

Carlisle was finished explaining to her how he would inject the venom in more than one place to speed up the transformation. I had still expected to see Bella to be a little more scared or at least nervous, but she still seemed empty, like she didn't even care. She was about to suffer the fires off hell for three days, lose her soul, become a blood craving immortal (I can't say monster because I could never see my Bella through such an impression) and she still looked hollow. Did she really not care? I couldn't stand this any longer. She looked as if she were about to face the gallows and had willingly accepted her fate. She looked beaten. I know this was all my doing; I had to do something; just get some kind of reaction from her.

Carlisle lowered his mouth to her ankle and my stomach churned. Bella had always said that It was her decision, and that if I wouldn't change her she would ask Carlisle. She knew he would do it but I remember the heartbroken look she had every time I refused to turn her myself. At the moment, the only thing my minds eye could see was her disappointment at my refusals. My long dead heart restricted painfully at the memory and a warning growl erupted from my chest just before Carlisle's teeth punctured her soft satin skin.

"Sorry Carlisle. Please, let me." I tried to keep the pleading tone out of my voice but I was sure Carlisle see my anguish and my need to do something-anything.

He nodded once and stepped aside as I made my way to a very confused Bella. She looked at me with an alarmed expression that made my heart throb. She didn't trust me, but I honestly couldn't expect her to. As I came closer to her she leaned away as if unsure whether I would harm her in some other way. It was a small action but it ripped my heart from my chest. In that moment I could actually glimpse at her emotions she kept hidden beneath her void demeanor. Anger, pain, fear, it was a little comforting to see _some _kind of emotion, however, it wasn't the Volturi that she was angry with, or Jane that hurt her, or the change that she was afraid of. It was me. I wished then more than ever that it was not so difficult for a vampire to die. I wished the sun really did burn us the way it did in myths. Then I would willingly walk out in broad daylight at her request. I would even directly place myself in the clutches of the Quileute pack if it would allow me to repent for what I've done to her.

I gently grasped her dainty ankle in my cold hands and lowered my lips to her skin. I was well aware that Carlisle and Jasper had left the room. This was exactly what I needed and had been hoping for, but it only made Bella more uncomfortable. She kept her eyes fixed on me, her body stiff, and she fidgeted nervously with the sheets on her bed.

"Lay back and relax Bella." I commanded her softly. I was so close to her that she trembled when my breath touched her skin. She laid back down on the bed but she didn't relax. I kissed her ankle delicately over her vein and finally, I pierced the skin. Soft, warm liquid filled my senses; A thick sweet balm to my scratching, burning throat. In all my years during hunts, and even my rebellious stage, I had never even imagined anything as satiable as this. The last time I had taken from her, during that nightmare with James, it had been nothing like this.

I pulled away reluctantly but quickly; afraid I would take too much. I pierced her other ankle and her wrists swiftly. As I came to face her she closed her eyes and held very still. My lips found her neck in another soft kiss as I cradled her to me.

"It's alright Bella. You were always so upset when I said I wouldn't change you, but I will. I will do anything for you Bella. All you have to do is say the words. Anything you want." My voice trembled as I spoke. I could almost feel the tears falling down my face. Manly ego be damned. I held her close to me just to feel her warmth before I finally sank my teeth in for the last time. The warm liquid, her life giving fluid was so intoxicating that I feared for my self control but I was able to stop immediately as I heard my name. I expected her to be angry or disgusted or at least annoyed but instead her tone was tender and soft. Even when I felt her fingers tangle in my hair, it wasn't rough or forceful, but a soft caress.

Reluctantly I withdrew from both the blood and the physical contact. The transformation would start any minute and I couldn't stomach the thought of leaving her even if it killed me to watch her suffer. As soon as I looked down on her though I saw her close her eyes and wince. I knew the first wave of pain had hit her by the way she clutched her sheets in her fists. The only thing I could do now was wait.

**O.K. guys, I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. Please don't verbally lynch me. If anything send me more REVIEWS, to inspire to update faster of course. Let me know how you like it.** –gir29


	14. Chapter 14

**Saving me chapter 14**

**BPOV**

I felt the venom start to take effect as soon as Edward pulled away. The pain was the least of my worries. What I couldn't stop thinking about was why Edward had said and acted the way he did. Did he really still love me? Was that even possible?

I was trying to concentrate on my thoughts, but I was pulled away from them by the venom, or at least, that's what I thought it was. It hurt at first, real pain, and for a minute I couldn't breathe, but then I felt like I was falling. I slipped away from Edward, my consciousness, and the pain.

I don't know how long it had been, but I finally stopped falling. I didn't feel much at first, just stiff like I hadn't moved in a while. As I tried to take in my surroundings, I heard voices from all around me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the moonlight filtering in through the window. For some reason, I felt really calm just staring out into the night, but the voices around me got a little louder and more frantic. I closed my eyes once more and took a deep breath. They must have heard me because all of a sudden their conversation stopped.

"Bella!!" I tried turning around towards the voice but I couldn't move. I looked down and saw the reason for my inability to move was a pair of arms wrapped around me. I averted my gaze to the person they belonged to and saw Edward starring at me with a relieved expression.

" Thank God, Bella…" He crushed me to him so tightly I thought he was going to break my back but I didn't want to stop him. "We thought you were never going to wake up!" I was confused; I know he said that the transformation would take three days. Had it been longer? I looked around the room then and saw every one of the Cullen's present and they all looked like they were relaxing for the fist time in a while.

"How long was I out?"

"About a week." Carlisle replied. He was looking at me in awe, for what reason I wasn't sure, but something about it made me worried. First of all, how could I have been out of it for a week!? I thought the purpose of multi-venom injection was to SPEED UP the transformation!!

"Bella… love, are you alright?" I looked up into Edward's eyes and saw nothing but fear. Why was he afraid?

"Edward, what's wrong?"

"Bella," Carlisle sat beside me on the bed and looked me in the eyes. "Bella, it didn't… it didn't work. You're still human. I don't understand it, the venom should have changed you in two days- two in a half tops- but you only showed signs of the transformation for the first hour and then, nothing. You didn't even whimper it was just like you had fallen asleep." I sat very still, trying to absorb what he had said. How could it not work? How could I still be human? I really am a freak…

"Bella, what are you feeling right now?" I looked up and saw Jasper starring at me. He looked like he was really concentrating but mostly; he looked just as confused as I was.

"You don't know?"

"No, sorry."

"…nothing." To be honest, I felt alone. Everyone I loved was immortal and beautiful. I was human and I would die alone some day. "So, what do we do now?"

Carlisle looked thoughtful for a moment. "I guess the only thing we can do is wait."

-----000-----

I had told everyone that I was still a little lightheaded and that it would probably help if I laid down some more. I actually felt bad about lying but I needed to be alone. What was I going to do now? Edward finally consented to changing me and it didn't work.

_Knock! knock! _

"Come in."

"Bella?" Edward poked his head inside the room cautiously before he interred. He turned his gaze away from mine and I had to do the same. All of a sudden I felt really bad for punching him earlier. In my mind I still think I would have done it anyway, whether I had known the truth or not. His leaving hurt me very badly, and even though I couldn't blame him for Victoria, he still should've known better than to leave me alone like that. And the reason he gave me was 'it was to keep you safe?' I'm a danger magnet. He said so himself. How safe did he expect me to be when he wasn't there to protect me? He opened his mouth to speak but I beat him to it.

"I'm sorry." My voice was quiet, but I know he had heard me because as soon as the words were out of my mouth, he looked at me like I had lost my mind.

" For what!?"

"Hitting you… among other things…"

"Bella, I really think- along with the rest of my family- that I deserved being punched in the face…'among other things.' "He crossed the room and sat down beside me on the bed. Then, very gently, he reached up with his hand and pulled me to him.

"Bella, my Bella, I'm so sorry. I should've known better than to leave you. I know it was stupid but I couldn't risk hurting you, physically at least. If it had been me at your birthday that almost killed you…I would've had no other choice but to go to the Volturi and end it all. After I had taken you home that night, the only thing I could do was think ' what if it had been me?' You have no idea how much that scared me." I knew he was telling the truth. As he explained, he held me closer and his voice grew quiet.

"I would rather it had been you." My voice was so quiet I didn't think he had caught it. I was afraid at how he would react to that but it was the truth and I needed him to understand.

"What?" He pulled me away slightly and looked into me eyes. There was a mixture of fear, anger, and sadness on his face that was so intense I had to look away, so I focused on my hands instead.

"When Victoria was trying to kill me, there was so much malice in her eyes. There was nothing there but hatred. It had scared me at first, but after she had done all she could I didn't care anymore. If it had been you, you would have just lost control. You wouldn't have truly hated me so much. You would have just killed me and be done with it. You wouldn't have drawn it out and you wouldn't have killed my parents…I would rather it had been you." I had to speak slowly to keep my voice even but I was crying by the time I was done. I still couldn't face him. I was starring at my hands, tangled in the bed sheets, like they were the most fascinating thing in the world, until I felt his cold fingers lift up my chin to face him again.

"Bella…" His voice trembled as he spoke and I was afraid to meet his eyes.   
"Bella, please look at me." I looked up slowly but before I could even see his eyes, his lips were on mine. This kiss was a little more forceful than how our others had been, but it was still very gentle and passionate. I had missed this feeling so much. I wrapped my arm around his neck and grabbed his hair with my free hand, not too much as to push his boundaries, but just enough that I felt closer to him. All too soon he broke away from the kiss but leaned in so that his head was resting against mine. "I'm so sorry Bella. I'm so sorry. Forgive me, please." He leaned in again to kiss my cheek but as he did, I felt something cold on my face.

I put my hands on each side of his face to make him look at me but when I did it wasn't his hurt expression that struck me, but the tears that ran down his face.

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	15. authors note

**Saving me chapter 14**

**Authors note**

**I'm so very sorry to all of my fans for the delay. My computer has had a virus for the second time in two years. I want to apologize again for the delay and I promise to have the next chapter up soon. Thank you so much for your patience and please, as always, review. You have no idea how much it helps.**


	16. Chapter 15

Saving Me chapter 15

Thank you all for being so patient. Again I would just like to apologize to everyone for the long wait.

I stared, confused, at the moisture on my fingertips. Finally I looked to Edward for some explanation, but of course, he was just as confused as I was.

"What- What's going on Edward? I thought you couldn't cry."

"……..I can't…." I almost felt foolish looking at something as simple as tears as if it was completely foreign to me, but to Edward, it almost was. It would have been about a hundred years since he had last seen his own tears fall. Which is why I couldn't help but scowl at him as he began to laugh.

"Hehehe, I guess you really do bring out the human in me." He simply watched the glistening tears on my hands, his face reminiscent and peaceful. It made me think of those long afternoons we had spent in the meadow, just lying and looking at each other. Memories I had made it a point not to visit in a very long time, started pouring in. Just gazing into his eyes in the dark room helped me to remember the way he used to look at me, when he used to love me. _ What am I doing? _Quickly, I pulled my hands back to me, away from his grasp as if I had been burned. He looked at me, hurt, but I couldn't help it. I knew it wasn't real. It could never be real.

"What's wrong Bella? Did I do something? Tell me… tell me what I did wrong. I'll fix it I-.."

"Go."

"…What?"

"Go Edward. Just go." I wouldn't look at him as I spoke. I looked at my hands instead as the black waves once again swallowed me in the safe and empty void. When I heard the door close I didn't move. I just sat there, still as stone. He didn't love me, he never would. Of course he was happy now that my transformation hadn't worked but He could still be feeling guilty. I was officially cursed to love Edward Cullen and to not have my love returned to me. I was a fool and a freak. I was worthless. With these thoughts, the black waves increased the numbing pressure until I lost the will to even breathe. I rose from my bed and made my way to the door.

With unfeeling fingers, I turned the door knob and there waiting in front of my door for me was Alice with a set of keys in one hand and a light jacket in the other.

"I know what you're going to do. I saw it," Her voice was so solemn that had I been in any way in my right mind, I'm sure it would've compelled me to stay… but it didn't. " I sent Edward and the boys off hunting. You can take Carlisle's car."

"Thank you Alice." I took the keys and the coat and made way down stairs, ignoring my still sore and protesting body. The car was easy to find in the garage. Once I was in I didn't even buckle myself into the seat. What would be the point anyway? The worst thing that could happen was I could get in a crash and get killed and right now that wasn't such a bad thought. After all, I'm sure the Cullens could afford a new Mercedes.

I peeled out of the driveway and gunned it to Forks' Cemetery. My mother wouldn't have been buried there. I'm sure they would've sent her body off to Phoenix, but at least I could apologize to my father if nothing else. He deserved that from me at least. I was able to find his grave quickly. It still had fresh cut flowers over the soil. I had half expected him to claw his way through the coffin and out of the grave just to scream and curse at me as my mother had done in my dream. Instead there was nothing but silence. The night was cold and silent as if it were just waiting, knowing that the black tides were about to recede. I closed my eyes and surrendered as I envisioned the black water streaming away, leaving me to face my demons.

I had come to a conclusion as to why this had happened. Everything that had come to pass till now was my fault. Being careless at my birthday, the argument with my parents, their deaths, their suffering, and mine, was all my fault. And here I was hiding in the water. I was in love with Edward and having him finally return to me, staying so close to me with the occasional kiss and caress, yet knowing he didn't love me, and wasn't mine,… that was torture. It was the torture that I deserved, and I was hiding. I was being selfish and not willing to face it. Well, I didn't want to be selfish any more. My parents didn't deserve what happened to them because of me, but _I did_ deserve to be punished and I would take it.

My knees buckled under the full weight of it all and I fell into the cold soil of death on top of my father's grave. The pain, both physical and emotional, took the breath from my lungs and filled my throat with tears. I felt it all then. My fear, my loathing of myself and of Victoria, my despair over the death of my family, My love for Edward, and finally, my dejection that came with the knowledge that he didn't love me. I lay there sobbing quietly; just wishing the earth would swallow me whole until I fell asleep.

Ed. POV

In my entire life of being human, to this state of half living as a vampire, never had I experienced, or even thought to experience anything like this. I had never dreamed anything would hurt this much. I watched her lying there on top of her father's grave. Her actions from earlier were forgotten and I was finally able to see some of the damage I had done by leaving. Her chest shuddered as it rose and fell, still constricting with sobs even in her sleep. The tears on her face hadn't even dried yet and it tore my heart in two. She looked so vulnerable and so small, almost childlike, sleeping there so helplessly. If things kept going on like this I was afraid I would have to claw my heart out myself, if there was anything left of it. I had told her it was a lie; that I hadn't meant what I said, that it was only to protect her. I would get through to her, tonight. I knew she was hiding something; there was something she wasn't telling me.

Gently, I scooped her up in my arms. I couldn't help but smile when she cuddled into my chest. I laid the passenger seat back all the way and set her in comfortably, hardly taking my eyes off of her the whole way home.

Bella POV

It was still dark when I opened my eyes and it wasn't nearly as cold as it had been before. I realized why. I wasn't in the cemetery anymore. I was back at the Cullen's house.

"Hey." _Great._ Edward sat next to me on the bed staring down at me with a slight frown on his face. "You don't talk in your sleep anymore." He sounded very disappointed.

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk."

"I don't want to talk to you." I sat up and pushed at the covers that had been pulled over me. My head hurt with what I knew were the nightmares waiting to wreak havoc on my subconscious. I tried to stand but Edward grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down."What the hell?!"

"_I_ think we _need _to talk Bella." He said again only this time he left me no room to argue.

"About what?! What could you possibly want to talk about? I thought you'd be satisfied enough by now." I jerked my wrist out of his grasp, my anger and hurt finally coming forth now that the black water was gone. Everything came back.

Edward was looking at me, horror stricken.

"What did you just say?"

"I said I thought you would be satisfied-" He growled at me then, loud and furious. Before I could even think, he pinned me down to the bed by my wrists. His eyes were pitch black, his fangs were bared, and he was so close his nose was touching mine.

"IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! THAT I WOULD BE SATISFIED?!" He had straddled me so that I couldn't move, but I could still feel his body shaking. Weather it was with rage or his attempts to control himself I didn't know, but out of reflex I prepared myself for the worst. Instead, his lips came crushing down on mine. The kiss was forceful at first but then the tension in his shoulders lessened and the kiss became gentle. When he pulled back he was breathing hard. He loosened his grip on my wrists and laid his head on my chest like he used to when he would listen to my heartbeat.

"Why would you think that? Why would you think that this was what I wanted?" For some reason it took all the strength that I had to answer.

"Because you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore." I answered honestly. Again, rose his head from my chest to at me with horror stricken eyes.

"You said you didn't want me anymore, remember? That's why you never wanted to change me isn't it? Then the Volturi said you had to, and then that didn't work. If it had, it would've made me immortal like you, I would've lived forever. Now I'll stay human, and once I die you'll be rid of me. You won't have to baby sit a worthless human anymore. You still have a lot of that old time chivalry, so I guess I understand you and the others feeling guilty for what happened after you left. But you don't have to stay here or keep me with you out of obligation. You'll just make it harder for everybody."

I wasn't sure if he could hear me even with his vampire hearing. All of the emotions I felt had constricted my airway so much I could hardly breathe. I couldn't even look at him as I spoke. I could only rest my head back on the pillow and stare straight up at the ceiling as I felt tear after tear spill down my face.

When I was finished with my explanation, I felt like one of those convicts on death row. The ones who realize, when they're finally strapped down to the injection table, that there is no hope left and that it'll all be over soon. Once the Cullens left again… it would be.

"…Bella….?" For the second time I saw the tears run down his face. He tightened his hold around my waist and rested his head on my chest again. For a while he didn't speak, but when he did his voice sounded just as dead as mine.

"When I took you into the woods, when I said what I did…I lied to you Bella. How could I not want you? More than anything, I wanted you with me…forever if it was possible, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I thought that if I changed you, I would be taking your soul away. When you walked into class, on your first day at Forks, I had thought you were my own personal demon, come to destroy all of my self control, but I was wrong. You were an angel, my angel and you still are. How could I take that away from you? No other human in their right mind would've accepted me or my family. They would've hated and condemned me for what I was. Vegetarian or not, but you didn't. You found the good in me when I couldn't even see it.

"The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you, but to keep you safe from myself, it was my only choice. I never dreamed that this nightmare could happen. I love you Bella. Always. I would do anything for you, just ask. All you need to do is ask. If I could trade places with you I swear I would."

Slowly, he lifted himself off of me and moved to lie beside me facing me. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me again.

"I love you Bella. I love you. Please, please believe me this time." I closed my eyes and I preyed. I preyed that this was right, and I preyed for forgiveness for what I caused. I didn't know what to say. I knew he was waiting for an answer, but what answer could I give? How could he love me? It never made sense. He pulled me closer to him, rested his chin on top of my head, and slowly pulled the cover back over me.

"I won't give up Bella, and I swear on my life, I will never let anyone hurt you again. I promise you."


	17. Chapter 17

**Okay, everybody new chapter. Please enjoy and review______________**

I woke up the next morning with Edwards's arms still around me. Our conversation from the night before came rushing back and I remembered every detail clearly. For the first time since I had woken up in the Cullen's house, I let myself believe that there was hope for me; for us. I lay there simply enjoying the feel of being close to him again, but of course, good things don't always last.

"BELLA!!!" It was Alice.

"Oh God." I buried myself farther and farther down into the comforter to hide. I heard Edward laugh at my futile attempts to safely elude the shopping crazed fiend and kicked him in the leg. I was positive that it was another shopping spree she wanted, and I did not want to go.

"Bella, get out of there right now."

"Bella's not here."

"What do you mean…- get up right now! Carlisle needs to change the dressings on your wounds before we go so get up and get in the shower."

"Ugh…stupid shopping vampire."

"GET UP!!"

"I don't wanna go shopping with you, you crazy shopaholic pixie."

"…Bella, get up and get in the shower or else this crazy pixie might just be crazy enough to bring the ice cold shower water to the bed.-"

"Okay, I got it Alice. Thank you, she'll be down in a few minutes." Edward said as he shoved her out of the door. "Come on, Bella. You can't avoid her forever."

"Ugh." I slowly crawled out of bed and got a change of clothes and a towel. After getting my things and shoving Edward out into the hall with Alice, I jumped into the shower.

It only took us half an hour to get to the mall. Of course Alice wanted to go to every overly feminine store but Edward, God bless him, wouldn't let her drag me off.

"Bella," Edward tipped my chin up and I could clearly see that something was going on. "I need to leave for a couple hours. I promise you I'll see you as soon as possible."

"But-"

"No, no…no buts'. And don't worry. There's just something that I have to do." He took both my hands in his and brought them to his lips. "There's nothing to worry about. I give you my word."

"….."

"Come on Bella! We can have a lot more fun this way! We can go to-"

"Alice?"

"Yes, dear brother?"

"I know where you plan on taking her. Now use that handy talent of yours to see what will happen if you do." Alice smirked at Edward for a moment but then I saw her expression go blank. This was how she always looked when she was having a vision. By the time she snapped out of it, her expression went from confusion to fear and then to outright horror.

"DON'T YOU DARE!!! EDWARD!?"

"Goodbye love, I'll see you soon." He kissed me gently before turning around and walking back out of the small store we had just entered.

"Oh, if he does anything to my closet I am so going to kill him! I'm sorry Bella, but I mean it. I might have to kill him."

"Only if you take me to a certain somewhere that is oh, let me guess… Victoria Secret?"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Edward had said not to worry, but that only made me worry more. After about another hour of shopping we finally went back to the Cullen's house. I sat down to watch a little TV but my thoughts kept drifting to Edward, and several different questions plagued my mind. _Was he going to leave me again? Did he just want to get rid of me? Was everything he had said the night before real? Had he meant it? Was he having second thoughts?_ By the end of the second Jerry Springer show my head felt like it was about to explode. I closed my eyes and started to massage my temples, trying to ease the headache that had built up. When I opened my eyes, I gave a yelp of surprise.

"Thanks Jazz." I turned my head up to see Jasper standing over me behind the sofa.

"You're welcome." His hand was right in front of my face... with a lovely bottle of Excedrin. I hadn't expected anyone, least of all him, to sneak up on me, but I was very grateful.

"He won't leave you Bells. Not again."

"I thought you couldn't feel my emotions Jasper."

"I can't, but I can read your face. Also, I can feel his emotions too. When we found you, I thought they were going to kill him. He knows he made a mistake Bella, and he really does want to make it right. The guilt he felt was so bad I had to leave several times because I couldn't take it. And the love he feels for you is so strong it almost makes me sick.

Sometimes if an emotion is too strong for me it helps to channel it. I'm not perfect at that mind you, but sometimes I do it unconsciously. Let me tell you, it had been so quiet around here lately that I had begun to wonder where Emmett and his loud mouth had gone to. Then I realized that I had been channeling and he and Rosalie were…occupied."

"Hahahahaha…."

"It's not funny Bella."

"I think it is and so do you. Otherwise you wouldn't have that big grin plastered on your face." Jasper was usually the most nonsocial of the Cullens and, in my opinion, the most timid (at least around me). It was strange to see him like this; grinning and talking to me like I was one of them. I felt like one of them.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

"What? What for?"

"At your birthday, I attacked you. That's what set this all in place. If I hadn't lost my control then, Edward wouldn't have left you. You wouldn't have gone through the hell you and your family endured and mine wouldn't have either. All of this could've been avoided if I hadn't been so weak. I'm so sorry. I know that I'm more distant than the others but I was really looking forward to having you as a sister. I don't know if you'll still want to stay now, but I'm so sorry Bella.-"

"Jasper… Jazz, listen to me okay?" I turned my self in his direction and pulled him into position so that he was looking at me directly. "We can blame this on anybody. You have no idea how many times I have gone over every single moment I spent with you and your family inside my head. I remember exactly what happened that night. I could blame you, but I don't Jasper. I promise you, I don't. You could blame me, for not being careful enough. With my clumsy tendencies I should've known better than to be careless in a house full of vampires, especially knowing that you were the newest to your diet. You are not weak Jazz. It takes a lot of strength and control for a vampire to live this kind of lifestyle, more so if they have been living on the other diet for a while. We all make mistakes. If Edward had been able to change me, if it had worked I think I would've slipped up. I'm not as strong as you and the others. If I had slipped would it be my fault? Edward says that the hunger and the instincts are overpowering and that it is impossible to control sometimes. Instincts keep us alive Jasper. I will not blame you for that. It was his decision to leave, not yours. That was his mistake,………… and hating him was mine."

"…What do you mean?"

"I can understand why he did what he did. I think I have for a while, but I was afraid to admit it. It's easier for me to hate him so that when he leaves it won't hurt so much. At least, that's what I thought, but I think I'm starting to believe him now. The more I think of it through his point of view, I begin to understand a little bit more."

I had tears streaming down my face. I accepted everything as it rightfully was; a bad decision made with the best intentions. I was ready to give my heart back to Edward Cullen and to leave myself at his mercy. What happened then was up to him and I would just have to trust him. That thought was scary because there was still doubt in my mind, but I was willing to give it a try.

"Hey, come on stop that. I hate it when girls do that." Jasper grabbed me and pulled me under his arm in a brotherly hug. It was something I really needed. "Don't let Emmett see you doing that. He'll come up with all kinds of ways to make you stop."

"Thanks Jazz."

"You're welcome sis, and thank you. You've got no idea how hard it's been to look him in the face and to hide my thoughts from him. I was feeling like a real jerk."

"You can feel their emotions but they can't feel yours. He blames himself too much to blame you Jazz. I don't blame you either, no one does. And if anyone brings it up, Alice and I will definitely have something to say. Who knows we'll probably take them shopping with us one day. Shopping with Alice will bring anyone to their knees, you know that. No matter what happens now though, I do like the idea of having at least one brother, if that's okay?"

"Of course that's okay. I'm glad. Now wipe your face. If Alice thinks I made you cry I'd be in big trouble."

"Okay. " He looked up to the doorway for a brief second and then looked back down at me. It was very fast, one of those vampire fast moves but I caught it.

"Good night Bella. Thank you." He left as quickly as he had popped up leaving me alone in the big living room.

"-So…Is it safe to assume that you're not still mad at me?"

"Ah!" I jumped in my seat for the second time that night ,and spun around to see Edward standing in the doorway Jasper had been looking at.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He said offering me an apologetic smile. He crossed the room and sat down on the sofa pulling me into his lap in the process.

"So, are you still angry at me? I heard your conversation for the most part. I know I shouldn't be eavesdropping but he felt bad and so do I for not noticing. I get where he was coming from, but I think you handled that better that I could. It wasn't his fault."

"I know. No, I'm not mad at you anymore. I am scared though."

"Why?! Of… me?"

"…Yes. NO! I mean…. I'm scared that you'll leave again, but at the same time I think you won't-"

"You think?"

"I hope. I don't know what to think. I know what I want to happen and I believed what you said last night. I'm just scared. I'm sorry." I started to cry again. I never used to cry so much. Before I went to my father's grave I hadn't been able to feel much of anything and now it seemed that I couldn't keep my face dry. Edward's arms tightened around me and he started to kiss the top of my head.

"Shhh… Don't cry. You have every right to be wary. It's okay. You know why?"

"Why?"

"I know how to prove to you that I won't ever leave you. Will you come somewhere with me?"

"Sure. Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. Come on." He pulled me up and towed me outside to his car. Once I had my seatbelt on, he took off but he went a little slower than his usual breakneck speed. I knew it was for my benefit, he was doing everything he could for me, even the little things. And so far, it was working. After a while, he parked the car and opened my door for me. Without saying a word, he scooped me up and started running. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head in his chest. Everything about it felt so right. Finally, he slowed down and came to a stop. He set me down and put his hands over my eyes.

"I know I don't deserve to ask, but, only for a moment, please trust me." I put my hands around his wrists and gave a small squeeze in consent and he started to walk me forward. We came to a stop and he helped me to sit down, and removed his hands from my eyes. We were in the meadow. Our meadow. I was sitting on a blanket covered with the petals from the surrounding flowers, and a to go box full of mushroom ravioli from the restaurant that Edward had taken me to in Port Angeles, La Bella Italia. He took a seat next to me, took my hand in his and brought it to his lips.

"I know you're still scared, and I don't blame you for not trusting me. You were right about what you said to Jasper. I did what I did with good intentions but, what happened to you and to your parents would not have happened had I been there for you. I would not have let it happen. I love you. I lied when I left you, but I have absolutely no intention of ever leaving you again.

While I was away, I felt like I was human again. I felt like I had to breathe to survive but there was no air. It became harder and harder for me to find reasons to get up and feed even when the burning in my throat became unbearable. In every person I saw, I always saw you. I couldn't think of anything else. In the time since we've met, you've become my whole world. When I saw Alice's vision, I thought that I was going to loose you. Then we found you, but you weren't moving and you breathing and pulse was shallow. I have never been that scared before Bella. I was terrified. I couldn't- I can not loose you Bella. I will not leave you."

He stood and pulled me up with him, then he slowly bent down on one knee and pulled a small black velvet box out of his pocket.

"Oh, God." Inside the box was a sterling silver ring. The front of the ring was woven into a symbol of eternity, and in its center was a small garnet stone.

"Bella, you are my life and my everything. I know I've hurt you beyond repair, but I am willing to spend an eternity making it up to you and earning back your trust and your love. But for me to do that, I must ask you to take a leap of faith in me. Isabella Swan, will you be my wife?"

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The first time she tried to snatch me in there he had nipped it in the bud. I looked at him with the most grateful look I could manage. After about the longest hour of my life we went into the food court so the human could eat.

"Bella," Edward said watching me carefully," There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Uh-oh."

"No, it's uh, not necessarily bad; I just wanted to tell you that we are thinking of going to Denali, all of us. Carlisle brought it up this morning. After everything that happened, we don't know how safe it will be here for us and especially you. Everyone thinks you're dead and if someone from school were to see you… it would raise questions. Besides, we've stayed here long enough. It's about time we left anyway. I know that this is your home, but with the way things are-"

"It's okay. I understand."

"I told you she'd be okay." Alice said triumphantly. Edward rubbed the bridge of his nose. It was a habit, I had realized when we first met, that he did when he was agitated or confused.

"Are you sure this is okay?

"Yes Edward, I'm sure."

"But this where you-"

"It's okay. Really. I knew a long ago that if I wanted to be with you, there was the possibility that I might have to leave. My dad and my mom are dead. There's nothing here to hold me back." Edward nodded his head and reached across the table and took hold of my hands. "But, what about the Volturi? What are we going to do about them? I mean, they said that if you didn't change me they would. Venom is venom isn't it? If you couldn't change me I doubt they can."

"I've thought about that." Alice piped in. "I wasn't sure what would happen so I tried looking into your future this morning."

"And?" I leaned forward in my seat half eager and half terrified to hear what she saw. Edward looked as torn as I was and just continued to hold my hands.

"Well, the thing is, I couldn't see your future." She was so quiet I could hardly hear her, but Edward could.

"What!? What could that mean!?"

"Edward! Lower your voice. I don't know what it means, but I tried a different route and tried looking for your future and Carlisle's and even Aro's, and no matter what path I took I didn't see any deaths which is a good thing. In everyone else's future I could see Bella. She was there. I just couldn't see her future in particular. "

I buried my head in my arms. I wanted to cry or scream in frustration, but we were in a public place and I didn't want to embarrass myself. So I just did what my mother would do. I laughed.

"Um, Bella? Are you okay?" Alice asked.

"Oh, I'm such a freak."

"We're all freaks honey. Don't worry about it."

"Alice!" Edward gasped.

"What? We are."

"You are not helping. Bella, if Alice said you were there, then that's a good thing. If you weren't I'd be worried, but for now we'll ask Carlisle what we should do. We'll worry about this later, okay?"

I sat there and reflected for a minute. Alice couldn't see my future, and Jasper couldn't read my emotions anymore. Even Aro and Jane couldn't work their magic on me.


End file.
